The Purim time period is a “milestone” in my aveilus.
It coincides with my mother’s fall which was the beginning of three months of physical deterioration ending in her passing in late May.
It is also the start of my final month of saying kaddish.
As I approach the end of the eleven months of saying kaddish I have conflicting feelings. On the one hand, that final kaddish will be yet another reminder of the finality of death, of a loss never to be recovered, of a part of my life never to be relived. In this respect, I do not look forward to reciting that final kaddish. On the other hand, I am ready to be free of the obligations and restrictions of mourning and to return to enjoying the many aspects of “normal” life which I have avoided these last ten months – music, Shabbos meals with friends , weddings, events, new clothing etc.
In a similar vein, my year of mourning has required effort and commitment to juggle saying kaddish, travel and business. While it has not been stress-free I do feel a small sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that in large measure I have been able to meet my obligations as a son. On the other hand, I have begun to wonder, ‘Will have the strength of character and commitment on my business trips, when I no longer have to go to minyan morning and night to say kaddish, to continue the extra effort required to coordinate travel schedules so as to attend minyan morning and night?’
And then there is this blog. When my aveilus is over should I continue to blog?